*Sigh*
I have been a busy bee Thursday into Friday...none of which I can give details of on here because they are way too personal...but if you want to know....you'll ask me.
So here it is Sat morning and I actually slept last night. Granted it was choppy sleep, but sleep none the less. Today I was suppose to go to dinner w/ Mmmmm and his parents, but it is getting postponed til ?? I have to swing by my parents today as they are leaving for the shore tomorrow. This is the trip I usually go w/ them on, but not this year, my bro and his family are going. I'm kind of relieved really, I'm not one for the beach much. I would prefer a spur of the moment beach trip anyway.
I'm beginning to sink into that depression I get every year before my birthday. I have no plans this year other than to spend the day with Mmmmm. He gave me my gift already and I had to hide it from myself so I wouldn't be tempted to open it. I can't explain why I get so sad when my birthday comes around. I think it's because I reflect on the past year and try to make goals for the new one. This past year was shit. I filed for divorce one week after my birthday. Then I moved out in Aug. Lived w/ my parents until April. Now I am trying to figure out where my place is in this world. Hopefully this next year will be my reconstructive year. Where I build myself back up. For a few months I wanted to be the kid I was when I was 14 through 18. Now I realize I can't nor do I want to be that person. Sure, I will always have that in my DNA, but I am not that little girl anymore.
I don't want to think (lol) this upcoming year. I don't want a boyfriend. I just want to prove to myself that I can do this. I think if I can make it one year just on my own I will feel better. This is my last year in my 20's. I better make something out of it.
I feel sick in my stomach. More like butterflies...why?
So here it is Sat morning and I actually slept last night. Granted it was choppy sleep, but sleep none the less. Today I was suppose to go to dinner w/ Mmmmm and his parents, but it is getting postponed til ?? I have to swing by my parents today as they are leaving for the shore tomorrow. This is the trip I usually go w/ them on, but not this year, my bro and his family are going. I'm kind of relieved really, I'm not one for the beach much. I would prefer a spur of the moment beach trip anyway.
I'm beginning to sink into that depression I get every year before my birthday. I have no plans this year other than to spend the day with Mmmmm. He gave me my gift already and I had to hide it from myself so I wouldn't be tempted to open it. I can't explain why I get so sad when my birthday comes around. I think it's because I reflect on the past year and try to make goals for the new one. This past year was shit. I filed for divorce one week after my birthday. Then I moved out in Aug. Lived w/ my parents until April. Now I am trying to figure out where my place is in this world. Hopefully this next year will be my reconstructive year. Where I build myself back up. For a few months I wanted to be the kid I was when I was 14 through 18. Now I realize I can't nor do I want to be that person. Sure, I will always have that in my DNA, but I am not that little girl anymore.
I don't want to think (lol) this upcoming year. I don't want a boyfriend. I just want to prove to myself that I can do this. I think if I can make it one year just on my own I will feel better. This is my last year in my 20's. I better make something out of it.
I feel sick in my stomach. More like butterflies...why?
posted by sunshine at 10:09 AM
2 Comments:
As someone who is also approaching 30 let me suggest what others frequently tell me: get over it. There's no magical transformation that occurs on our 30th birthday. I used to be very worried that I won't accomplish certain goals by the time I turned 30. It caused me much grief until I managed to convice myself (with the help of my peers) that it is totally irrelevant. I won't resort to any "just a number" clichés but there's simply not much significance to our birthdays. It can be a time for celebration because it demonstrates that we've survived another revolution around the sun (like New Year's only more personal) but there's no reason you should ever dread it.
He's right, I know.
I allowed myself to let my 29th year darken itself because of the fear. Don't do it!
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