What if?
What if I was honest?
What if I never lied?
What if I said what I really thought?
What if I never cried?
Today I had a bizarre, scary thought. I thought of what my life might be like right now had I never left my husband. I try not to think too much about it. I look at my daughter and I feel selfish, for getting to spend all this time with her. I feel as though I have ruined not one life but two.
However, I want him to be able to share in the things that I have. He can't though. I'm selfish, very selfish.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Someone close to me has asked if they can have my blog address. I told them they could not. Then I thought about what Mystic says about this being public space and why hide anything he has to say. Yes, I agree. I mean it's up on the web, this person might happen on it and realize it's me. My X found my original blog, maybe he knows about this one too? I don't care anymore. I really do, but I try to remind myself that this is my life and I have to be accountable for what I say.
Everything seems to be crashing in around me lately. I feel like I'm suffocating in my own life. I'm drowning in my tears, yet I have my moments of pure light, where my smile radiates pure sunshine. Where I can see that spark in my own eyes, where I find hope for just a minute that I will have all the things I aspire for and all the dreams I had when I was a child will come true one day.
Maybe I'm feeling this way because I feel like I'm getting older and I don't have much to show for it. Sure I do, I know that I do. I just feel like I'm working day in and day out just to make it to another day. It's a vicious cycle we all must go through, but I need to see a light, a spark, some kind of glimmer of light that let's me know that's it's all for something.
I think I can see it sometimes.....for a second.....I see it in my daughter eyes, her smile. She has my spark, my life, my will, my hope. She is my everything, she is my purpose. She's why I get up in the morning ( and he middle of the night ) She's why I go to work and hurry home. She's why I don't mind making dinner, or doing the dishes. I am who I am because of her. She reminds me everyday of what I am and what I need to be. I'm a mom. I'm a dreamer. I'm a lover. I'm a keeper. :)
So I just needed to get this out, it might not make any sense, not to you or to me, but it's how I've been feeling as of late and I still feel selfish, and I still don't think it's fair that my X misses out on a lot of his daughters life and I will always have remorse and feel selfish for that. I'm sure it's too late to say I'm sorry but if he read this still, he should know that I am, because I don't think I've ever told him that and doubt to his face I ever could.
Lesson Learned.......Look into your future before you live in the present. The past is just that, so leave it there.
What if I never lied?
What if I said what I really thought?
What if I never cried?
Today I had a bizarre, scary thought. I thought of what my life might be like right now had I never left my husband. I try not to think too much about it. I look at my daughter and I feel selfish, for getting to spend all this time with her. I feel as though I have ruined not one life but two.
However, I want him to be able to share in the things that I have. He can't though. I'm selfish, very selfish.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Someone close to me has asked if they can have my blog address. I told them they could not. Then I thought about what Mystic says about this being public space and why hide anything he has to say. Yes, I agree. I mean it's up on the web, this person might happen on it and realize it's me. My X found my original blog, maybe he knows about this one too? I don't care anymore. I really do, but I try to remind myself that this is my life and I have to be accountable for what I say.
Everything seems to be crashing in around me lately. I feel like I'm suffocating in my own life. I'm drowning in my tears, yet I have my moments of pure light, where my smile radiates pure sunshine. Where I can see that spark in my own eyes, where I find hope for just a minute that I will have all the things I aspire for and all the dreams I had when I was a child will come true one day.
Maybe I'm feeling this way because I feel like I'm getting older and I don't have much to show for it. Sure I do, I know that I do. I just feel like I'm working day in and day out just to make it to another day. It's a vicious cycle we all must go through, but I need to see a light, a spark, some kind of glimmer of light that let's me know that's it's all for something.
I think I can see it sometimes.....for a second.....I see it in my daughter eyes, her smile. She has my spark, my life, my will, my hope. She is my everything, she is my purpose. She's why I get up in the morning ( and he middle of the night ) She's why I go to work and hurry home. She's why I don't mind making dinner, or doing the dishes. I am who I am because of her. She reminds me everyday of what I am and what I need to be. I'm a mom. I'm a dreamer. I'm a lover. I'm a keeper. :)
So I just needed to get this out, it might not make any sense, not to you or to me, but it's how I've been feeling as of late and I still feel selfish, and I still don't think it's fair that my X misses out on a lot of his daughters life and I will always have remorse and feel selfish for that. I'm sure it's too late to say I'm sorry but if he read this still, he should know that I am, because I don't think I've ever told him that and doubt to his face I ever could.
Lesson Learned.......Look into your future before you live in the present. The past is just that, so leave it there.
posted by sunshine at 9:58 PM
6 Comments:
If I'm not mistaken you're not far off 30 now, right?
That would explain alot about the way you are feeling
x
Darling, I know you are feeling a lot right now. I know you must be overwhelemed. And I know you feel guilty. But you shouldn't. You have to make the right dessicisions for you. And you loving your daughter is what is important, if you love her, you have not ruined her life. Take it from someone who's mother stayed in an unhappy marriage, she would have been worse off.
I am sending you a whole lot of love, I hope you know that.
You're a darling. I'll talk about this more later, if you want.
X and O
Alecya
Oh- And I meant to say -
You aren't selfish!
i like the hope and acceptance you interject into all this. i think sometimes we forget that although life is tough and uncertain and confusing at times, there is always that positive element. thanks!
Hello...I do read your blog on occassion, and have just gotten out of the habit of commenting here.
Perhaps, it would be helpful for me to update my links and add you on there...It's been a long time since I've updated links.
Life is a mysterious journey, many more turns to come in yours. Watch out! they will be exciting.
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