My Space...

Long time....My life is unsettling as of late. Let me fill you into what has been churning in my head. In no order, as usual.

I googled an old friends name, one I had when I was about 15/16 years old and I found that he had an acct set up on myspace, so last Sunday I emailed him, well this past Sunday he emailed me back, giving me his cell #. I called him on Monday night. It was so nice to hear a voice from the past. He lives about a half hour from me. I'm trying to set up a time when we can meet and catch up. I feel bad though and I know I shouldn't. He was my friend long before my b/f came along. I haven't told the b/f that I did any of this, and I feel like I should. Not that I should have to. I'm afraid if he finds out a month or two from now that we have been talking he might get upset. I'm in a spot. I think my old friend and my b/f would me friends though, they are similiar in many ways.

I'm trying to purchase a new cell phone, which means I would be breaking my old contract. That's $200. Oh well. You have no idea how frustrating it is to call someone and it's either static or they can't hear you. It's just a pain finding one and getting my # transferred. That's this weeks project.

My job is so boring. It's becoming a chore to drag myself in here.

I'm house hunting again. I added my name back to the website so I can get weekly updates. I'm not sure that I'm ready for that commitment again, but if the "perfect" place comes along I don't want to miss it.

Money....I've been spending too much of it lately. I could save if I didn't go out to eat w/ the b/f. I've had the discussion that my funds are tight and he has agreed to pay for things until we go on vacation in July. However, I took us for massages and dinner this past weekend and paid. I had a good time and I don't really mind, but now until May 26th, I have very limited funds. Sucks.

Blogland....It's getting to me. I've begun to realize that I live in this sheltered little world where I'm obsessed w/ what people I don't even know do on a daily basis. It has made me realize I need a life. Really. Not that I wouldn't call you people my friends, but I don't know any of you. I never will really know you. I only know what I read and that's not a fair perspective on anyone. I have this preconcieved ideas of what you and your lives are like yet I'm wrong. I know I am. How can you know someone from reading only what they want you to read about them?

This takes me back to my original point. I found a friend who knows me. Who knows who I was when I was a kid, who still knows me. When we spoke the other night, it was so comfy, there were no breaks in talking, we felt safe and secure, we had that unbreakable bond, not even time can take away. I love my past and I love those people from it. I'm not going to lose him again.

Here it is...another day older

It's just after midnight, and I'm awake. I just got done watching The Notebook and I'm sad, very sad. It made me think of my life, and I'm sure so many others. These two people never gave up on love, or any aspect of it. It truly is a miracle. Love. It's something we make up, something we mold, something you can't touch, or hold. It's not real, or is it? Alone it can not stand, but together it is the unbreakable bond. A miracle. Tonight I'm sentimental, mostly from the movie, but lately I've had this aura around me. I can't explain it, I can't think, I just feel it. It moves me. It stops me in the middle of the day and it grabs ahold of me. It's nothing like love. It's more like fear. Fear. Fear that I'll never witness that miracle. That miracle I long for. I have my half, somewhere inside me it lives. It's lost, it needs another love to hold onto. To grow stronger with. To make that unbreakable bond. Yet, I wept tonight, wondering if I had it and let it go. Will I find it in time? Will I know it when I find it? Will my love and anothers know they are the unbreakable miracle?

I hope we all find it. Life without love, well it's not living.

Goodnight.

Spaz!

So, I jumped the gun a bit the other day. It turns out that my life is still the same as it was on Sunday afternoon.

Actually, Monday night was one of the best nights in a long time. Maybe top 3 ever.

I ended up calling him and talking last night when I really have nothing to say and it almost went south again, but I changed subjects and it ended fairly well.

I'm looking forward to St. Patty's day, I'm going to see Sperm for a bit, and hopefully spend the rest of the weekend relaxing and shopping for a new bikini, and some clothes.

Tonight I get a haircut, a much needed one at that.

So, bottom line is I'm ok.

Thanks Hyde, I know you are there for me

Failing is my speciality....

I am drained for words. I am a perfectionist at not allowing myself happiness. I once again single handedly ruined my own success in the search for happiness.

I don't want to go into detail...but let's just say I am not savvy with words and when I'm simply trying to say how I feel about the ones I care the most about it usually comes out a jumbled confusing complicated mess for everyone involved.

Right now I'm back to a shell of a human, if I could get rid of these terrible knots in my stomach and the want to vomit I might have a productive day.

I feel like I'm living someone elses life today.

I hope my nervousness has not destroyed my potential for happiness. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Lesson Learned....Say what you really mean. Live life for YOU and don't care how it will be recieved. Be true you yourself and the rest will be fine. "Sometimes the hardest part is getting things set in motion, not keeping them there"

Living like a Rock Star!

Ok ok, lately I have been spending money like I make millions every day. I recently bought the following.

1. John Mellencamp Tickets - $140
2. Dora the Explorer Tickets - $59
3. Trip to Boston - $ $200
4. Medicines for my daughter $ 129.36
5. Joined the gym - $540
6. Took Parents out to dinner - $114
7. Family Members bdays - $60
8. Hockey tickets - $ 23

So as you can see, I think I can afford this lifestyle. I am using my ENTIRE income tax refund to pay off these expenses and the many other small ones I did not mention. I really need to chill out. I also have 2 vacations coming up in July. I need some spending for them, and I have decided to finally go to college to go for my Associates Degree. So there will be more money in the fall. Yippee!

On the other hand. I am happy happy happy! Making friends and memories is not cheap, but it is a hell of a lot of fun!

Mini Vacation!

Hi all,

I will be going to Boston, leaving today, and returning late afternoon on Sunday. I'm going to be w/ the b/f. It's a 6 hour drive, I'm nervous a little, but it will be an adventure. I need to get moving though, if I'm going to get there on before dark.

I miss blogging, but I have nothing really to say.

I'm doing well with going to the gym. I go 3 days a week. It's good for me. I also decided that I want to go back to school, get an associates degree. I hope I do. I need to get moving on that, so I can start in the fall.

Life is going by...not much new going on.

I'll post on Sunday so you know I made it home safe....I hope!

Howdy!

Wow, I forgot my password it's been so long.

Anyway, I'm actually doing very well these days. I have been going to the gym faithfully. I feel really good about that. My legs are still getting sore, but I don't feel anything on upper body. I think I need to try a few more pounds and a few new excersises.

I had another good weekend. I saw the Pink Panther. I wasn't really excited about going to see it, but it ended up being rather funny. I enjoyed myself, the popcorn was not as good as I had hoped for :(

Work is so slow, I have nothing to do. Nothing.

I got another random phonecall this past Friday. The guy said I called him? Huh? That my phone # was in his phone? I didn't know anyone by his name. He proceeded to ask me what I looked like, if I was single, and if I wanted to go out on a date sometime. I declined, but I did keep his # (just incase I ever need a date).

The X and I had to spend some time together this past Friday (only and hour), but I was left feeling....nothing. Yay! I was worried it would be awkward (it was) and that I might have all these feeling flood back. But not at all. I actually kinda let some info that I knew about him slip, which upset him, and rightfully so. So on Sunday we had about a 30 min heart to heart. I apologized for all the hurt I caused him, but also let him know I made the right decision and I stand firm on not going back to him. The reason I had to call him on Sunday in the first place was to ask him if he could watch our daughter for a week in July so I could take a vacation alone!! He agreed.

On Monday, he watched her so I could take my parents out for a nice dinner and upon me picking her up he crossed the line. I was strapping our daughter into her carseat and he came up behind me and smacked my ass. I let it go. I hurried up and finished belting her in and got in the car. I ignored it. I probably should have addressed it and let him know that was not acceptable, but I was too shocked.

Yesterday, I heard nothing from him, then today he emailed me and told me the following:

If you ever need to talk about anything, need a ride somewhere or need a hug, just let me know. Sometimes I need a hug. One more thing, don't ever and I mean ever think for a minute that your not beautiful & sexy. Plus your very smart. I don't think I'll ever get over the feelings I had for you. Have a nice day. Oh I forgot, Flight Plan was good

I did not respond. Why can't I just be left to move on. I'm doing that. I've found someone with whom I happy. I'm finally living for me! ME!!

Ok, back to looking busy at work.