Happy Birthday to ME !!!

Wow....

I don't even know where to begin. I'm another year older, but not any wiser. I have been sitting here staring at the screen for hours. I don't know what to write. I would love to write about my weekend, but I find myself being selfish for I want to keep it all to myself.

It was wonderful, it was fun filled, it was perfect.

I kind of hurt someone I care about, and who cares about me and I feel like shit for that. But on the other hand, I made peace with that person as well. I have learned to just be myself and let people see me for me. I am far from perfect and far from intelligent. I am also compationate and caring, a good listener and someone you would want in your corner. I know I am pumping my own ego here, but it's about time I did.

The last week for me has been challenging, and it hasn't been filled with the most respectable of moments, but this weekend was just what I needed to close the door on the last week.

What happened this weekend will go in my treasure chest, along with so many other wonderful memories that I have.

I'm back! I stood up for myself today when it came to the "X". It felt empowering and I loved it. I'm taking control of my life again. I just have to keep reminding myself that I deserve it. I worked for everything that I have and it's mine. My strength and endurance are mine too. My future is mine as well.

This weekend changed a lot of things for me. It opened my eyes to reality. My heart smiled for the first time in over a year. I was Sunshine, no guard was up, no act was on. I gave it my all....and it was recieved well.

Thank you for all the bday wishes from my fellow bloggers. I won't forget any of you when your days come.

Lesson Learned.....Time will heal all wounds, but for now, Apple Pie and Tandy cake will fill them up. YUMMY!!!

Wait....

I forget to mention the classic sunshine moment last night. I was taking down Charby's address and I put it in my roledex that I found while unpacking. Once I was done putting her in her rightful place alphebetically, I decided to look who I had in there as well. This roledex holds the phone numbers of people I was friends and social acquintances with when I was a teenager. Anyway, I saw the number of a guy who I graduated with and was decent friends with. I use to talk to him daily when I lived with Tard back when I was 18. The number I had was his Aunts, seeing as that is where he lived at the time. I called that number and asked if he still lived there. Surprise....yes he does, however he is camping until Friday night. I left my name. We'll see if he gets the message. I don't think I will call him back. What will I say.....erm...hi it's me, I haven't spoken to you in 10 years...how are you??? Well, that is what I would say...but I'm not calling him back, yet. Let him pine on the idea that I called him after all this time. : )

I'm messed up

And so it starts....

I'm beginning to get emotional. It happens every year. Emotional about my birthday. I'm also just emotional about most everything these days. It's a girl thing I guess.

I have so many great things coming up in the next few weeks and trust me I'm looking forward to them, but then I will have the guilt that comes with doing things for myself. I'm trying to cope and work through those issues.

I have a jam packed fun filled weekend in store. I hope!

You might not hear from me again until I'm another year older. I usually end up withdrawn from society on my bday. It is starting already...where I just sit back and gather my thoughts and reflect on everything that I did and the people I met in the last year. That would include all of you who are reading this now.

So I will part ways now until I am another year older....

Lesson Learned....Live every moment to it's fullest...enjoy the company of those who will have you.....Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...don't judge a book by its cover.

The most important thing I learned this past year....Don't jeopardize my own happiness to make others happy. Accept people for who they are, if they are who they say they are.

3 Things today that Pissed me off...

1. Women, please if you are going to wear white pants, wear white underwear

2. Women, if you are going to wear open toed shoes, paint your toenails.

3. I didn't get the job I applied for at work, not even an interview, obviously someone was hand picked.

Have a good day!!

For the sake of blogging....

I have no business being here tonight, other than it's 11:11 pm on a Monday night and of course I'm awake.

I was doing some thinking lately. I know, I know. I was wondering why people don't write letters anymore. I know why, because it has become to easy to just IM someone or email them or text message. I received a package from England the other day and inside the HUGE envelope was a tiny little hand written message to me. It was the smallest thing, yet meant so much. Thanks Charby!

I have an Aunt who always takes the time to write a message in my xmas card and birthday card. When I was younger I dreaded having to read it, now I long for one of those cards. It's funny how I miss the personal touch.

People send E-cards now (I'm guilty myself), what happened to spending 15 minutes in a card store looking for that card that would suit our family or friend the best?

What happened to making a photo album? Now we just digital photo and email, or better yet, camera phones.

Yes, I love technology, but I miss the simplicity of life as well.

I think I will sit down and write a few hand written letters out to my oldest and dearest friends.

Another example, since I'm on a role, invitations to parties, I got one the other day, me and 25 other faceless, nameless people. They are meerly s/n's. I'm glad I got the invitation, but are we getting that cheap that we can't buy a book of stamps and take 1 hour out of our busy lives to write the people that we like so much (otherwise we wouldn't invite them to our parties) an invitation, making them feel unique and special.

I miss being personal....isn't that what being a person is all about??

Your thoughts?? Or you can send me a letter....;)

Where will I be???

In a year from now? Will I still be blogging? Probably. I have been for a year already.

Will I still be living in my apartment? Most likely....Lease is up in April, then 60 day term there after.

Will I still be making myself miserable?? I better not be.

Who cares, really? Me!!!

The last year has been bumpy and emotional. I have had more downs than ups. None of that matters now, it's in the past.

It's the future I have to look forward to.

I decorated my apartment a little bit today. Now my house feels like a home. I need a lot more stuff to hang up though. I will look more forward to coming home now that it has pictures of the ones and the things that I love on it.

Candles....I am a candle feen. I found aleast a dozen candles.....I wish I could light them. I can, but my daughter blows them out before they even have a chance to smell. Kids....

Lesson Learned.....Someone out there knows a way to get under your skin and when they are feeling miserable, they will find a way to make you miserable.

*Sigh*

I have been a busy bee Thursday into Friday...none of which I can give details of on here because they are way too personal...but if you want to know....you'll ask me.

So here it is Sat morning and I actually slept last night. Granted it was choppy sleep, but sleep none the less. Today I was suppose to go to dinner w/ Mmmmm and his parents, but it is getting postponed til ?? I have to swing by my parents today as they are leaving for the shore tomorrow. This is the trip I usually go w/ them on, but not this year, my bro and his family are going. I'm kind of relieved really, I'm not one for the beach much. I would prefer a spur of the moment beach trip anyway.

I'm beginning to sink into that depression I get every year before my birthday. I have no plans this year other than to spend the day with Mmmmm. He gave me my gift already and I had to hide it from myself so I wouldn't be tempted to open it. I can't explain why I get so sad when my birthday comes around. I think it's because I reflect on the past year and try to make goals for the new one. This past year was shit. I filed for divorce one week after my birthday. Then I moved out in Aug. Lived w/ my parents until April. Now I am trying to figure out where my place is in this world. Hopefully this next year will be my reconstructive year. Where I build myself back up. For a few months I wanted to be the kid I was when I was 14 through 18. Now I realize I can't nor do I want to be that person. Sure, I will always have that in my DNA, but I am not that little girl anymore.

I don't want to think (lol) this upcoming year. I don't want a boyfriend. I just want to prove to myself that I can do this. I think if I can make it one year just on my own I will feel better. This is my last year in my 20's. I better make something out of it.

I feel sick in my stomach. More like butterflies...why?

Seeing MY light....

Well I barely slept again last night, but none of that matters because I am in a great mood today.

I'll be ok and be able to overcome my fears with some help. I'm working on some internal changes and you will all notice that in this blog. Thanks for all the support from all who read this...especially Mmmmm.

That's it. Short and sweet. Just like me!

Lesson Learned.....You want what you can't have, but you also have what you don't want.

Facing my Fears

I have to loosen up and just accept that I am who I am. I stress and worry about way too many things that shouldn't matter at all. I'm losing my hair, I'm losing weight, I'm losing sleep.

I KNOW that I have a good life and I have a select group of friends who I can always turn to when I need them. I have felt extremely lonely for about the last 4 months. No real reason to either. I realized why I don't want to finish unpacking at my apt. I don't want to come across things that will spark memories from a time I'm trying to erase. Yesterday at work I found a casette tape that had songs on it from a boyfriend I had when I was 18. On it are all these lovey dovey break up songs. It's funny but I remember making it and then at the end of the songs I have a little speech for him....it just made me realize how caring I am and that I have major trouble with closure issues. Take for example the guy who I dated when I was 16, he's still in the picture. I just have trouble letting go. I need to learn to take lessons from each experience and apply them to the next one. It's hard for me. I guess I want everyone to see something good in me. I don't like losing people in my life because I feel each one helped to mold a piece of my personality and my heart.

Today I am doing something to help me get over my fears and worries and though I'm not looking completly forward to it, I know it's what is need to move on and have closure.

I need a good meal and a good nights rest. I need a day off and a housekeeper. LOL

Ok, that was depressing...On a bright note.

I'm very excited for my vacation in 3 weeks. I can't wait to get away from here. I love to drive and this will definatly be a drive (7 hours). I know that I will be able to relax and be myself. I need that more than anything. Don't forget that suitcase Mmmmm!! Make sure you pack it, I don't know if you remember my one long lost post where I took an empty suitcase once on a trip. You don't call me Grace for nothing : )

See that's the Sunshine I miss...the one who could give two shits what people think about her, the one who just lives her life the way she wants too, not caring what kind of an ass she looks like. Am I talking in 3rd person. I hate that.

I think I just need to come to grips that I am infact a single mother and that so are thousands of other women. Truthfully, I have it pretty damn good. I just wish that I could share my qwerkiness and humor with someone who appreciates those things about me. Meh.

I'm alive, and vacation soon!!!!!!!

Tongue-Tied

I really want to write about my weekend, but I can't find the words to descibe how it was or the emotions I felt while in the moment or even how I feel now that I'm back home.

For those of you who read this and know me at all, you will know what I mean.

Lesson Learned.....Go with the gut!

Birthday Wish List

Since my birthday is just around the corner, I thought I would compile a wish list of things I would like that I can't or won't buy for myself at this moment in time.

A hot air balloon ride
A Plasma 27" Flat screen Tv
A regular 32 inch Tv
A pedicure
I-Pod

Anything really, just something suprising and something unexpected.

I have no plans this year yet, and usually I would be fine w/ that, but this year I don't really want to spend it alone.

How about some suggestions or stories of things that you might have done on a particular birthday?

Last year, I spent my birthday w/ people that I barely knew at an outdoor movie. I had 2 drinks, saw 50 First Dates, and saw a particle of a meteor soar through the atmosphere. It was a pretty good birthday. I don't need all the fan fare, just a nice quiet day w/ friends. I'm not even going to see my family on my birthday this year.

How pathetic.

I want to say something...

but I have nothing to say.

I am tired and feel drained, both emotionally and physically.

I have another long weekend ahead of me, on terms of not sleeping.

I am looking very forward to my weekend though. I like to be on the go, it beats sitting around starring at the walls.

I get out early from work tomorrow and so I will use that time to clean, clean my car out and maybe wash it,also clean up my apt a bit. It needs a good whipping into shape.

I wish I had something to talk about. Just blogging for the sake of it.

My Horoscope today....

The great thing about learning to forgive others is that it means you also know how to forgive yourself. Ditto for learning how to feel compassion and demonstrate kindness for all those around you. They're tough lessons to learn, but some of the most rewarding. It's also one of those lessons that the universe will find a way to teach you -- over and over again -- until you really manage to make it a part of your daily life.

And another one from a different site....

The people around you seem different to you lately. It's as if they have become warmer, more loving and caring. They communicate more openly and express themselves more freely. You wonder if you have changed too, and you want to be attractive to people, to love and to be loved in your own right. You are in great physical shape. You feel good and you want people to notice you. So, make yourself happy! Go for it!

The Truth will set you free....

Well beloved readers....I'm awake again at 3 am. I know I said this wouldn't get personal, but I'm gonna let it get a bit that way.

Tonight I was able to tell the truth about how I felt about a special person in my life, in turn he was able to tell me the truth too.

I am peace again. I have lost nothing, but gained my self worth and integrity.

Happiness is the most important thing to me, but more importantly happiness in others is just as important.

I now can sleep well again, sleep with the knowledge that I have been honest and open and received my bad news well.

There are some things you learn at one moment, it all hits you at once. I may have been selfish, I may have been misleading. I may not have always been honest, but I have always been sincere.

Lesson Learned...When one door shuts another opens

"Flurry"

Here it is 2 am. I'm wide awake. I went to bed at 10 and woke up at 12:15. I pretty much have half of my sleep in.

I have things I want to do around the apt and I keep putting them off, that is part of why I can't sleep. I hate that I'm so lazy.

I bid on a job at work and I am awaiting a phone call to see if I even get an interview. I desprately need a change.

I always think too much and create scenerios in my head that are keeping me from sleeping.

I don't remember any dreams and that bothers me.

There is one thing that helps me to get to bed though, Flurry.

Flurry is a stuffed white mouse. He was won for me in one of those claw machines back in January. It gives me something to hold onto when I'm trying to fall asleep, and if I'm not bear hugging him, he is lying in the empty space that fills the other side of my bed. It's good to wake up and look over and see "someone" there.

He helps me to sleep, just like a little kid.

I probably wouldn't sleep at all without him.

Ahhh the little things....

I let the little things get to me way too much.

Today I got an email that pissed me off, but than I sat back and thought about it some more and realized I can't let it.

I have to stop worrying about what tomorrow holds and live in the moment.

The moment feels good and I just have to allow myself to be happy and stop feeling guilty for all the things I may or may not have done wrong.

It's all in the eye of the beholder.

Bottom line is this is my life and I have but one chance to make it the best that it can be.

So a big FU to all that don't appreciate the fact that I'm just trying to put myself first for once.

I feel better now for venting. LOL

I knew that face....twice

Alright, so I went to the video store to rent a movie. One of the people who works there happens to be a guy who I graduated with. I saw him after the class reunion back in Sept. We didn't really talk much that night, just exchanged what we had been up to and Hello's. He ended up sleeping in his truck I believe, but that's a whole other story, one I don't even know all the details on.

So turns out he was engaged at the time I saw him in Sept. When asked if he was married now, he just shot me "the glare". Oops. I always stick my foot way down my throat. He asked if I was still married, I told him that indeed I was divorced. The whole point of me even mentioning this is I just think it's funny how life for a lot of totally different people can turn out to be the same sometimes. He said he was married for 5 years too. Coincidence?!

He kept using my name when he would talk to me and I noticed that the guy in line checking out at his register kept looking over at me. As if he knew me. Of course, I didn't recognize him....or did I? Yes. I did. I know that face...but he was with two girls probably about 10 years old. So who was it???

Beats the hell out of me, but I know I know him and I'm sure he knew me too for the amount of times he looked at me. He had to think he knew me too. In most cases I would have opened my big mouth and asked for his name, but I had this gut feeling that he was not someone I wanted to talk to. I think he may have been someone who like me or else I did him wrong. Oh well. It's in the past and I'm leaving it there.

Compliments to Hyde for getting this for me....

Falling Out Teeth - Dream Symbols

Parents are overjoyed at a child's first tooth. This major milestone is recorded in baby books and announced to anyone who'll listen. Baby teeth will be replaced by permanent teeth during the natural process of growth and maturation. Losing teeth in dreams symbolizes the loss of childhood innocence. These dreams often occur at times of transition from one life stage to the next. Your dream may be a message that an important milestone is occurring and urging you to face the inevitable. Losing teeth in dreams may also symbolize a desire to return to the security of childhood.

We need our teeth to feed our bodies. Eating is necessary to maintain the body's growth, energy and health. In this context, losing teeth may be associated with insecurity about your livelihood. Perhaps you are stuck in a "dead-end" job and fear for your future. Perhaps you are growing older and are becoming anxious about how much time you have left to work and make an income. You may be getting "long in the tooth" and fear losing your sexual attractiveness. Dreaming of false teeth symbolizes concern about your self-image. We all must deal with the process of growing older. Find fun ways to re-invent yourself incorporating all the wisdom and experience that you have gained.

Teeth falling out suddenly or all at once may symbolize fear of things that are beyond your control. Permanent teeth do not come back - you may fear or be facing a major loss. You may fear victimization; without teeth, you can't bite back. Animal teeth in dreams represent aggressiveness.

Examine the situation and think about the areas where you do have control or can make choices. If it is a situation that you must ultimately accept, reflect upon what you need to do to have closure and "let it go."

I had a Dream...

I dreamt that the last three teeth on the top right side of my mouth came out. I can't remember what I was eating that made them fall out. That bothers me, I don't want to eat that food again. I remember calling the dentist to have him make me false ones and put them in immediately. His response to me was that it was not an emergency and he didn't have time to get me in that day, but he would do one at a time as cancellations came up.

What?

Hi

Hi all,

I'm alive and well....

Lesson Learned.....Living my life in privacy is much much more mine. I am in control of my life...for now. It may just be the calm before the storm I fear it may be...but only time will tell if my intuition is correct.