Long Week Gone By..........

This is a somber post, but it's all in the past now. I try to keep this blog from being a personal reflection of who I "really" am. I try to keep it a bit anonymous, but in order to tell you of my comings and goings the last week, I might need to let out a little bit of myself.

Last Sunday I went to see my friend that was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. She wasn't looking well, I stayed and visited an hour. She was on oxygen and could barely speak, her voice was so faint, you had to literally lean in to hear what she was saying. She would just stare off into the distance, as though she were remembering something. I'm not sure if she knew what we were saying, but I knew she knew who I was. When I went to leave she said to me, "Thanks for coming, it was good to see you again." Little did I know that those would be the last words she would ever speak to me again. She died the following night. She was 66 years old.

I only found out on Wednesday that she had passed away. I was the one at my workplace that somehow got designated to pass the word, send out the email and pick the flowers that were to be sent to her family. I didn't mind at all. I barely got anywork done, but it was what had priority that day.

Last Monday I celebrated Thanksgiving dinner w/ my family. It was small and quaint, like every other year. It's good to have traditions.

Friday I had relatives in town. Cousins. Everyone has there "favorite" family member on either parents side. These would be my favorite cousins on my mothers side. I only get to see them if I'm lucky once a year and there was a new little girl added to the family in June and I got to meet her. It was nice to just sit around a fireplace drinking beers and rehashing the same stories we always share when we reunite. I had a very relaxing time and some good laughs. I love traditions!

Saturday was pretty much a lazy day. I only got out of bed to eat lunch, then I napped again, got out of bed to eat dinner w/ friends, back into bed for the night.

Today, I did some much needed housework and then went to the viewing of my friend who had passed. I only stayed about 10 minutes. I gave my condolences and left. I still haven't processed it all I guess. She was more than a friend, she was like a grandma to me. I will miss her.

I'm still on blog hiatis for a while. I'll post if anything earth shattering happens. It's just been an emotional week for me and with the holidays coming I am going to be busy on all of the weekends until the new year. I welcome the holidays, Christmas is ranked right up there after my birthday. Well technically my bday is not a holiday, but it should be : )

And that is what you have missed in the week gone by.

Freezing my ASS off.....

Tonight I am going to an amusement park with my daughter and my parents. How could I refuse? They offered to by dinner, drive and pay for my daughter to go on rides. I had nothing better to do on my Friday night.

Downfall is it's suppose to be 28 degrees tonight. I have no hat, one glove and can't find my scarf, I'm gonna freeze. I made sure to go out over my lunch break today and get all those items so my daughter would be warm. Forgot I needed those things too. Oh well. I'll put my hood up and wear long socks and 3 layers of shirts. It's only for 3 hours. I've endured worse. But the older I get the more I like to whine about stuff. I'm sure my daughter will be cold, but won't complain because she will be having fun. So will I. I need to get pictures.

Have a great weekend all.

Happy Belated Flashy!

So, I've been doing some clean up around the PC. I've deleted all of the history on all of my IM messages and I've been cleaning up around some saved files as well.

I came across a file I had saved as "Flash". I knew before opening what it was, but yet I opened and read a bit. I looked at the date that I saved it, it was 11/13/04. I bet you might be wondering readers what it was. It was the very first and only one of a few IM conversations that Flash and I have had. It by far was the best, the longest, the latest and the most fun one in my memory.

I am so lucky that you blessed me with your presence here in blog world and if that God damn Atlantic Ocean wasn't in the way, we would have met.

Anyway, this entry is in memory of that IM and how much it means to me still to this day and how much your emails and kind words over the last year and a few months have meant to me. You are such an inspiration to me, as is everyone else who has graced me here on the blog circuit.

Life without Flash would be like going blind : )

Thanks so much!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

BASTARDS

Here I am. Ten minutes ago I thought I was going to have a decent post. Now I'm just going to leave it at this.

Last week I took a break because I had a financial decision and some relationship issues I had to deal with.

My relationship stuff was all in my head, I'm cool there.

My financial issue was whether to pay off my credit card. I decided to dig deep in my savings and pay it off. Or nearly off ( I have since accumlated a small amount back on it) I went to check the payoff balance today and those BASTARDS raised my credit limit. I just got out of debt, now they give me more money to spend.

Do I have them lower it again? Can I restrain from maxing it out. I have only maxed it out once. I don't think I will have them lower it, I will need to just think in my head of the old credit limit. However with this new limit I might be able to take a nice vacation. : )

Stop. I can't think like that. I might as well though. It's imaginary money, money I don't have right?

I'm still on a bit of a blog break, but wanted to update you on my whereabouts.

It's that time again.....

It's become that time where I swear off blogging for a while. I have some personal issues I need to take care of. My head is a whirlwind lately. The last thing I want to do is blog.

I'll be back when I have it all sorted out.

I'll be watching you guys though. : )

Question

What is your favorite boardgame/card game?

Review Post

The NIN show ROCKED!

I went with M, I felt really bad about this. I was originally going to go with Mmmmm, but I backed out on him and took M. This makes me a bad friend. Sorry Mmmmm. All though, I know Mmmmm did have his own fun on Saturday. : )

We decided that we were going to eat at C & P's when we got down there, we got down there around 5 pm, we ate, drank at the restaurant and headed over to the arena around 6:30. We got our chairs out and started to drink. A car backed in next to mine, 2 girls got out. They were really cool. C and V were their names. They gave me a beer to try, it was really good, in exchange M gave them his bottle opener. Seemed like a fair trade. Then there was a statue of a football player kicking the ball, I challenged M to mimic the same kick, after a few more beers he agreed but only if I would do it with him. I did. C took a picture of our drunk asses pulling it off. It's a classic. Memories. The girls went into the show and M and I drank for about another hour until we just couldn't hold our pee anymore. We got in, did our business and got drinks, headed to our seats.

Our seats were the worst in the whole place, but we did manage to make the most of it. We had no one on either side of us, we were directly to the side of the stage, so the sound quality could have been better. We actually could see the band, and Trent really well. They played 90% of songs I knew, it was a kickass show. It lasted 2.5 hours. NO breaks, No encore either though. I love when people flick their lighters, there is something about it that sends chills all through me. It was awesome. One of my favorite shows.

We got out of there in record time, M made me roll under a fence. I made it. LOL. I beat all of the traffic. Made it home in record time. I even had time to make it to last call at the local bar M and I go to, but we didn't go in, we didn't see anyone's cars that we knew. We just went back to my place. I couldn't fall asleep, I had highway hypnosis. I felt like I could have gone another 4 hours. Finally after an hour of spacing out, I made myself fall asleep.

It was fun. Probably my last concert until next summer. :

Concert Day!

Today I am going to see NIN....I'm not nearly as excited as I was when I ordered the tickets. For a bunch of reasons. One major one is it's gonna be crazy traffic. I'm driving, it's going to be a late late night and I have to be up and functionable at 9 am tomorrow. Knowing me I'll be up at 7 am.

I didn't sleep that much last night. Well I did I guess, but I didn't sleep straight thru the night, I was up from 12:45 until 3:00 am. Then I was up at 6:30 this morning, I haven't eaten yet, and probably won't eat a "real" meal until 6pm tonight. I NEED to take better care of myself. I'm hungry, I'm not sure if I'm losing anymore weight or not, but my ring is getting loose, so that has to be a sign of something.

AG, I did not even get a chance to look at your story, I feel horrible, tomorrow, I swear.

Flash, I like the new look.

Hyde, I wait with baited breath for the results of the weekend.

Mmmmm, I'm waiting too for the results of the big blind date.

Spins, Do you come around here anymore?

Dan, Pantera is a pretty decent band, I guess This Love is as close as they will ever get to a ballad.

Charbs, I'm still not sure where it is you are going?

Weenie, I seem to have lost my weenie...one comment.

I guess I don't write worthy stuff these days. That's just how boring my life is.

I've got to go concoct my formula for tonight....Vanilla Vodka and coke. Also got to get snacks together and can't forget the water. I got Vitawater, FOCUS, that's for the ride home. It's gonna be hell. I can't see to drive at night to begin with. Fun, fun.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Gift of Gab.......

Some people were not blessed with the gift of gab....I was NOT one of those people. I love to talk...to my friends, strangers, myself. I just love to talk. I'm not famous for starting conversations, but I will try to keep them going with endless ranting. For example in an elevator, I might not be the one to engage, but I will keep talking even as they are trying to exit the elevator. If I'm at a bar waiting for a drink, I might start a conversation, but if I don't and I notice someone glance at me then I will brave the initial conversation.

Next.

Co-workers who are mean to their husbands, I hate this. I sit directly across from a woman who is a prime example. My back is to her actually. Anyway, today her husband called to say he forgot his lunch. She asked how much money he had, he said $5. She told him to go to McDonalds and eat off the dollar menu. He must have said he would go to his parents and pick thru their refridgerator. She hung up and proceeded to tell all of us around her how stupid he is...how could he forget his lunch...why not just eat out....why go to his moms. WHO THE HELL CARES!! Then he always calls at 3:30 everyday when he gets done work and she tells him what he has to do, as if he doesn't do the same thing every single day. She never says I love you to him. PLEASE don't let me end up like her.

Next.

Photo Albums...What will become of them? Now it's photos on a disc. Well not for me, I have them saved on my PC, I'm not sure how to get the off. Point being, what will become of wedding albums, baby books? Will yearbooks become obsolete? I love photos. Everything is becoming to digitized. People are losing jobs because of it, possibly memories. I know I've touched on the whole write a letter and not an email. Pick up the phone and call a friend, anytime, not just on "free weekends".

Next.

Grandparents....My parents are watching my daughter for me tomorrow so I can go out. Nice of them, right? Well I was originally scheduled to drop her off at 3 pm. I have since found out that traffic will be really bad and I may have to wait longer for dinner at the place we are going to. I called the grandparents to say I would be dropping her off a 1/2 hour earlier. I get a sigh on the other end. Before I thought about it, my mouth had said, " You know, most grandparents are excited that they get to spend some alone quality time with their grandkids. " My mom just said, "Oh I was hoping that you were calling to say it would be later you were dropping her off." UGH.

Think that about does it for the little things that are bothering me today. For now anyway, it's only 1 pm.

Sadness........

Today my heart is sad :(

If you know me, you know that when I give myself, I give my whole self. If I like you, I will try to hide it. If you are important to me, I will want to share you with everyone I know. If I love you, I will cry for you and with you. If you hurt me, you will scar me forever. If you lie to me, I will never let you forget it.

But....

If you love me back, it will be the most rewarding feeling in the whole world. I am not a cheater, a junkie, or an alcoholic. I am not a liar, though I have been known to mis represent the truth from time to time. I'm a lover, not a fighter, though I know how to put up a fight. I wear my heart on my sleeve. When I'm afraid of losing something, I hold on even tighter.

I'm decent and when I say something that comes from the heart, I mean it and I will back it up with all that I am. On the other hand, I can't put up with something that I don't believe in. I can't compromise my beliefs.

I have done something that I might regret. I sit here typing this with that knot in my stomach and that swelling in my chest. On the verge of wanting to cry, yet no reason to.

I don't ask for much. Just to be loved, appreciated and respected. I don't need to be #1, I just need to be a number.

-----------------------------

Update:

The thing that I did that I might regret. I still may one day, but it doesn't look like anytime soon. : ) I'm happy again.

P.S. Thanks Hyde for the pep talk late last night

This Love

Here are the song lyrics to Pantera's Love ballad.

If ever words were spoken,
painful and untrue.
I said I loved,
but I lied.
In my life,
all i wanted..was the keeping of someone like you.
As it turns out,
deeper within me,
love was twisted and pointed at you.
- Never ending pain. Quickly ending life -

(Chorus)
You keep this Love Thing, Love Child, Love Toy!
You keep this Love Fist, Love Scar, Love Break!
You keep this Love!
Love!
Love!
You keep this Love!
Love!
Love!
You keep this Love!

I'd been tempting one,
stole her from herself.
This gift in pain,
her pain was life.
And sometimes,
I feel so sorry,
I regret this .. the hurting of you.
But you make me .. so unhappy,
I'd take my life and leave love with you.
- I'd kill myself for you. I'd kill you for myself -

(Chorus)
You keep this Love Thing, Love Child, Love Toy!
You keep this Love Fist, Love Scar, Love Break!
You keep this Love!
Love!
Love!
You keep this Love!
Love!
Love!
You keep this Love!

No .. more .. head ..trips!!

I have had this song on a tape I made about 10 years ago for an old boyfriend who broke my heart. I only placed it's title and artist over the weekend when I found the cassette in the trunk of my car.

The words sound horrible I know, but when you hear the song, it really is a ballad.

Other than that, life has been bad, and good. A dear friend of mine who is 66 years old called me last Tuesday and told me she was diagnosed with liver, lung and bone cancer and given 6 months to live. I had a very entertaining, fulfilling and productive weekend. Getting out of the house, taking a nap in the afternoon on Saturday, dressed up as a sexy jailbird on Sat night and went to a bar. Stayed out way too late 2:45 am to be exact. Damn time change. Sunday I got 95% of the xmas shopping done for my daughter.

I'm in a sluggish mood at work today. Not feeling it.