Together

This was written inside of my birthday card given to me by Mmmmm.

Together we have grown, together we have shown all those around us we could do what they said we couldn't.
Through thick and thin, good and bad, we're still best friends and for that I'm so very glad.
We keep in touch thru emails and IM's and we'll still be talking when we're both in depends.
You gave me your heart and I gave you mine, and I'll never forget that till the end of time.
Remember life moves forward so never look back, your future is bright, so sit back and relax. You work hard for everything you have and you deserve it all.

..................

It's ironic to me how people can change in a matter of 7 months. Anyway, everyone is free to make his/her own decisions and I have learned to respect that.

That chapter of my life has ended and I'm embarking on a new one. Like the poem says....Life moves forward never look back. I'm done looking back. I'm letting the past in the past....FOREVER.

For Me...and You

So here I am, I haven't written, I ran from my past. Yet I'm still blogging, it has become very contagious, a way of life. I'm not nearly the blogger some of you are, but still I'm a part of it, and it's a part of me.

I ran from Mmmmm because he decided to close me out of his life, without me having a decision in it, so I have moved my blog. Eye for an eye kind of rational to it.

Yesterday I was annoyed, not sure why, but I noticed things that would not normally bother me. They were getting under my skin. The lady, LG, who passed away in Nov from cancer, use to tell me that when things annoyed her they would make her armhairs stand on end, that is what yesterday was like.

Here goes....Now, it's obvious I'm a girl, with some women it's iffy, but I'm definatly feminine enough to see I'm a girl. I have no problem at all holding a door for anyone when they are coming in from behind me, but nothing erks me more then when you are approaching a glass doorway, with TWO doors and I was on my appropriate side, the right and I can see some dick coming towards me, I open the door to go through and instead of using the LEFT door, he waits for me to go through and then I'm half stretched backwards trying to hold the door for him to shimmy past me through the door. WHY? Why people, if there are two doors....USE THEM.

Next...Drivers....when you are going to make a left hand turn in the middle of the road, PLEASE move over far enough so that us morons behind you can swing onto the shoulder and go about our business.

I plan on posting again tonight, maybe something more emotional, but for now, I feel a tad better. Gotta go eat some lunch.

Farewell

Since I last wrote.....

I had a friends brother overdose on heroin, he has kidney failure and is in the hospital.

My friend, who I just wrote about the other day, the one who confessed his love for me was in a car accident and went through the windshield, he has cracked ribs, chipped teeth and refers to himself as scarface. BTW, the guy who overdosed on heroin is this guys brother.

Monday I was sick as a dog, puking and other fun stuff.

Tuesday, I got a phone call from Mmmmm out of the blue, during our brief chat he tells me that he can't talk to me anymore because he's still in love with me and I don't feel the same way about him.

I'm not really sure how to process that yet, but I'm going to give him the space that he needs.

So today is Wednesday and it's pouring outside, can't wait to see what bad news I get today.

UPDATE: Heroin addict is on dialysis. It could go either way. Can you believe he asked his brother to bring some heroin to the hospital for him???

I guess his brush with death had no real effect on him.

Retrospect

Last night I was blog surfing and I fell upon a young man who is going to college in FL. He was sad because no one had looked at his profile and so I did and I IM'd him to let him know I had. That sparked a very long, very interesting conversation between us. I now consider him my friend.

Anyway.

He has me doing some thinking. He is always dwelling on ladies and ex girlfriends and living in the past when it comes to relationships, yet everything else in his life is going forward. Now this post is not about him, it's about me, so here are my thoughts.

I don't want to be with any of my ex's in anyway other than friends. I don't want them physically or emotionally. I just need to know that I left things on good terms. I have done this with all except my X. Atleast I think I have, maybe I just think that way. The point is, when something is over, it's over. I mean if there was really going to be any hope of getting back together, why would you split in the first place. Any relationship that last at least 6 months is one that you should know the person well enough to know if you have a future or any similiar interests or not. Unless you have to move for school or a job, those might be the only two exceptions for getting back together with an ex. If you make the concious decision to leave someone you have been with for atleast 6 months, then it is a decision you have obviously thought long and hard enough about.

Maybe I'm all wrong. You tell me. Have you or would you ever get back together with an ex from your past. Not just for a good time or one night, but try to put the pieces of your relationship back together?

I have one guy from my past, from a long time ago, who I would love to spend just one night with, but that's it. He's not dating material. Other than that, I'm leaving my ex's in the past, right where they belong. Don't get me wrong, they are all still very special in their own ways to me, but I don't need them in my life anymore on a constant basis, but it's nice to know if I ever saw them out in public, I could nod my head in acknowledgment that I know them, and it wouldn't be uncomfortable.

That's it for today. Another man in love with me story another day. There aren't that many, really. I wish there were more. Maybe I'll get a confession soon.

I've seen Sunny Days.....

Ok, this is more upbeat, I think.

Anyway I've been over thinking a lot in the last two weeks. I've been going over my personal life, my finacial life, my past, my present, my future. It's been a lot to think about and has given me a lot to worry about, but I'm feeling a little better about things today.

I made a decision to not got to NYC this year. Sorry Hyde.

I might take that money instead and spend it on joining a gym.

Also, It occured to me the other day of all the men that I've affected, and how they have responded to me. I think I might share that with you now.

I have a very good friend, someone I've known since I was 13 years old. We are like brother and sister at this point. We have never had any kind of physical contact other than a hug. We were very close from age 13 to 16, then kept in occasional touch for the next 5 or so years. Then became closer again from 21 to age 24, he attended my wedding, then we lost touch for a few years. Since the age of about 27 we have been in constant contact, not letting more than 3 months go by without talking. After I left my husband, he was in a serious relationship with a girl, they were living together. One day he called me up, drunk, and confessed his love for me, saying he had always had a crush on me, but he knew we were like brother and sister, but told me he would dump his girlfriend if I was willing to give it a try.

I politely explained our relationship to him and layed it out nice and simple, he totally understood and it hasn't changed anything about our relationship. He and I still get together about once every 3 months for drinks and a chat and we talk about once a month on the phone. He really is a sweetheart and I hope he finds a good girl someday, unfortunatly for him, it's not me.

I have other stories, but I'm at work, so they will have to wait for the next post.

What if?

What if I was honest?
What if I never lied?
What if I said what I really thought?
What if I never cried?

Today I had a bizarre, scary thought. I thought of what my life might be like right now had I never left my husband. I try not to think too much about it. I look at my daughter and I feel selfish, for getting to spend all this time with her. I feel as though I have ruined not one life but two.

However, I want him to be able to share in the things that I have. He can't though. I'm selfish, very selfish.

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Someone close to me has asked if they can have my blog address. I told them they could not. Then I thought about what Mystic says about this being public space and why hide anything he has to say. Yes, I agree. I mean it's up on the web, this person might happen on it and realize it's me. My X found my original blog, maybe he knows about this one too? I don't care anymore. I really do, but I try to remind myself that this is my life and I have to be accountable for what I say.

Everything seems to be crashing in around me lately. I feel like I'm suffocating in my own life. I'm drowning in my tears, yet I have my moments of pure light, where my smile radiates pure sunshine. Where I can see that spark in my own eyes, where I find hope for just a minute that I will have all the things I aspire for and all the dreams I had when I was a child will come true one day.

Maybe I'm feeling this way because I feel like I'm getting older and I don't have much to show for it. Sure I do, I know that I do. I just feel like I'm working day in and day out just to make it to another day. It's a vicious cycle we all must go through, but I need to see a light, a spark, some kind of glimmer of light that let's me know that's it's all for something.

I think I can see it sometimes.....for a second.....I see it in my daughter eyes, her smile. She has my spark, my life, my will, my hope. She is my everything, she is my purpose. She's why I get up in the morning ( and he middle of the night ) She's why I go to work and hurry home. She's why I don't mind making dinner, or doing the dishes. I am who I am because of her. She reminds me everyday of what I am and what I need to be. I'm a mom. I'm a dreamer. I'm a lover. I'm a keeper. :)

So I just needed to get this out, it might not make any sense, not to you or to me, but it's how I've been feeling as of late and I still feel selfish, and I still don't think it's fair that my X misses out on a lot of his daughters life and I will always have remorse and feel selfish for that. I'm sure it's too late to say I'm sorry but if he read this still, he should know that I am, because I don't think I've ever told him that and doubt to his face I ever could.

Lesson Learned.......Look into your future before you live in the present. The past is just that, so leave it there.

Ok Ok

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I wasnt' trying to get you all to confess your love for me, but it worked :)

This weekend was hectic as all are laterly. I barely spend any time doing what I want to anymore. Yesterday, after work, I came home and was a couch potato for a few hours, napped, showered and went to dinner. Was home at a decent hour and asleep shortly after.

My life feels very mundane lately. I'm always in a funk. I'm making it that way for myself though. I have things in relatively decent order, my life isn't that bad, or tough. Yet, I make myself think it is. I have a hard time allowing myself happiness. I say I'm happy, but I don't know if I really truly am. Sometimes I sit and stare into a mirror and talk to myself, what starts out as a pep talk turns into me crying. Crying because I have it so good, yet no one seems to recognize it. I've achieved a lot with little help. I have no college education, yet I'm doing better than most people my age, better than some older than me. I live on my own and am raising a daughter ( how well is yet to be determined ).

I don't really show a lot of my personality on this blog. I try to keep myself closed off, but in doing that, none of you can get a sense of who I really am. That's fine with me. Blogging has become a chore of late, but I use it as an outlet. When I feel like no one is listening, there is you, my audience. Usually supportive, always adoring.

It might be a time for a change soon. Time will tell.

Lesson Learned.....Love with your whole heart. Don't wait until tomorrow, what if it never comes?

New Year, New Plan?

Happy New Year, one week late.

This past week has been so so. I have a touch of a cold and I'm working too hard at work. I'm actually at work now. No one else is here, that's the nice thing about being salaried. I'm not getting paid to be here, it doesn't much matter how long I stay or how much I get done, and no management is here to see that I do anything. Nice.

I've been starving all week. I have put myself on a very tight budget for the next three months. I have "goals" that I set in my head and I'm very stubborn and I won't quit until I've reached those "goals". I really want to take 2, possibly 3 nice vacations this year and so I have to save for those, now. I also have a plan to buy a house in 2009 so I'm trying to set that motion in plan now.

Let's see. I brought in the New Year with 5 friends of mine. They were over to my place and they stayed until 4:30 am. It really didn't seem that late, none of us were tired, and the only reason I think it wrapped up at that time was because the clock said 4:30, other wise we might have been watching the sun rise together. It was a perfect way to ring in this new year. I'm a cancer and I read my horoscope right away on Jan 1 for the whole year. It said socially I'm going to have a great year, job wise not so good and financially not so good. So if I'm not going to have a financially good year, how will I have a socially good one. I guess I'm going to be mooching off a lot of people this year. I think it's about time I did.

I don't make resolutions but if I did this year it would be to be more selfish. I really do need to put myself first.

I also think I've had the shits of this work thing for the day, I'm hungry and I have a slight headache (possible hangover) so I'm out of here.

Nobody really seemed to miss the fact that I don't post reguarly anymore. I'm not loved or missed : (